Never ever ever did I think I would not drink or drug for 10,000 days? Are you kidding me right now? Nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine days ago i drank for the last time. It was not what I was planning that is for sure, to be an alcoholic/addict? That last night spoke volumes about who I became when I drank and thought I would share it with you now. Maybe others may be in this place? Or know someone who is? So important for us all to share our stories! That is where the healing begins...
Nine Thousand, Nine hundred and Ninety-six days ago:
I asked another person who was an alcoholic how does someone know if they’re an alcoholic? He told me and I quickly decided there is no way I was one? He also said the best way to really know is to just drink, keeping in mind what he told me. I waited four days and then drank.
Nine Thousand, Nine hundred and Ninety-nine days ago:
It was a Wednesday night and was home for a quiet night with my 2yr old son. I was a single mom living on welfare in a very small 2bdrm place. I just tucked my son in after we read his favourite stories. Think that was my favourite part of the day, the cuddles before bed, smelling his fresh skin from his bubble bath..definitely my happy place! I definitely had hidden anger inside at the time. My son’s father had addiction issues and always put that first. I could not understand how anyone could leave there kid to drink or drug? I mean I would never do that? Gosh, my son melted my heart and would never leave him or hurt him! I just chalked my ex up as being an idiot and a looser.
A friend came over unannounced with a box of wine and I actually told her when she came that it was nice to see her, but I was not drinking. (I didn’t need booze as I convinced myself days before I had no issue with booze) and she was surprised and asked why? I said well maybe I might be an alcoholic? (Testing this concept just a hair?) She laughed and said, “No your not! What is the matter with you?!” Of course I completely agreed with her and told her it was a stupid idea…and grabbed 2 wine glasses and we drank. I hated wine ironically, (this would be my last drunk, drinking my least favourite and drinking at home, which I almost never did. I was a ‘responsible’ party girl.) As we sat and drank more, I got more anxious knowing the wine would run out if she continued to drink it. My heart started racing and I was panicking we would run out..so I created a dispute so she would leave, and I could have the rest of the wine. She left and I drank the rest of the box. Actually I didn’t just drink it all, I tore open the box and sucked the wine bag like some crazed lunatic! Then I went back to the bag and blew it up like a balloon to get every drop. My son woke up and saw me, and needed attention, I was upset with him for waking up, and shoved him back into his room locked the door, heard him screaming, ignored him, and I grabbed my keys to my car and left him. ALONE..I drove down to the cold beer and wine store to get more alcohol. I called my dealer to get my fix as well and he was not answering, so my panic heightened. Once I got to the store it was closed and I could see a girl in there? I banged on the window for her to open, but she shook her head and said they were closed. I went crazy! I banged so hard on the glass I had bruises on my fists the next morning. She also Called the police. I left before they came..I blacked out and do not know where I went after that and have no idea how long I was away from my son? I finally came to in my car in the driveway and stumbled out of the car and went inside. I opened my sons door and he was asleep on the floor, and his little sleeper was still wet from the tears. He cried himself to sleep. What have I done?
Sharing this moment, this scene I have never been able to do without tears running down my cheeks.
My disease doesn’t go away just because I am sober today. It’s not the 5th glass of wine that is the problem..its the first drink, which I have proven well before this night that I can not safely take. Today I am a very, very grateful recovering alcoholic.