Updated: May 2, 2019
Just over 1000 days ago I was pretty sure the only way out of the life I was living was to just die. I couldn’t see away to possibly fix the life I had totally broken. I was convinced I was just a shitty human, a bad friend, a liar, a fraud, a mistake, that I was completely defective and no matter what my intentions were I would constantly let myself, and everyone around me, down.
I wanted to be anyone else but me at that time. I would wake up in the morning and declare, I’m never ever drinking again, I am going to do better, I can’t live like this, and then by the next pay check I would convince myself it wasn’t that bad, no one died, I was over reacting, I’m not as bad as other people, and would be back at it. Not only is it devastating and humiliating to live that life but it was totally exhausting.
I thought I needed alcohol. Like truly needed it. I thought it gave me this super power of confidence and the ability to “be myself” but it was just turning me into a self I didn’t want to be.
Living the sober life has given me so much more than just the ability to not drink. It has given me a community and incredible friendships. It has given me a connection to God and moments of peace and serenity I never thought possible. It has given the power to choose, to feel, to hope, to love and feel loved.
I have taken all inclusive trips sober. Turned 30 sober. Had a bachelorette party sober. Got married sober. Watched people get married sober. Holidays, parties, karaoke all sober. I have also been through unthinkable tragedies, deaths in the family, losing friends, devastating news, heart ache, pain, sorrow guilt, shame and, with the help of God and my community, stayed sober through it all.
Now I am honest, happy, a good friend, supportive, caring, loving and so damn excited about life (most of the time). When things get hard I know good times are coming and when good times come I have the ability to be grateful and live in the moment. Sobriety has given me what I thought only alcohol could give me, confidence and the ability to be myself.