You know sometimes our minds can convince us that we are having a really shitty, crappy, fucking horrible day! Some days we just feel moments of extreme uneasiness. The dark pit inside our belly's come creeping back. It begins to kick around in there and can get a little stronger each moment. We are thinking all the time? What is going on? Why am I feeling anxious? Fearful? what am I worrying about? Why do I feel like crying? Things have been going well in your life and using all the tools you use to maintain your peace like praying, journaling, reaching out, going to support meetings and surprisingly on track? But somehow that feeling inside is still rattling around? Then the uncomfortable seeps into the day and figuring out what is triggering becomes almost an obsession. We start over analyzing everything and everybody! Panic sets in, "..is it something I'm doing? or have I been triggered by something? Is it my Physical Health? Am I tired? Hungry? Did someone say something that hurt me and I've buried it? Am I resenting someone or something and it is eating away inside me? Am I suffering from depression? Gosh, I must be manic? Gosh okay- maybe I need to meditate and ask god for help again? Or go to my doctor to get them to fix me? That feeling is still fluttering around inside me?"
Now the fear sets in and anxiousness evolves around us and we become overwhelmed. We can become irritated at ourselves and then that leads to being irritated with others around us. It can get out of control and cause a lot of hurt to ourselves and others if we are not careful! The Insanity! The feeling festers in our belly and can rise to become a lump in our throat, scratching to get out! The fight to suppress is real! Can't let that bitch out..what will she do? what will happen?
Just yesterday this cycle happened to me! After leaving my support meeting in the car I had a moment alone and felt it rising up my throat and then an electric bolt seized my thoughts..what was I doing? Why am I suppressing this feeling? I tried to remember the last time I really cried? Like really just cried? I couldn’t remember and instantly felt that lump jolt up at that moment...this time I was not going to push it down... I remembered to just let myself go and just cry. Like an explosion I began to ugly cry, like really cry loudly, and pulled over for like 10min of shirt soaking tear crying! And you know... something happened? Something good happened! I felt freakn AWESOME after! Like really really good!
So often we do everything to try and push it down and not feel, drink, drug, eat, shop, gamble, exercise, game, gosh just anything to take away that lump! None of which helps or takes away the feelings. You know when we are happy, no one is dissecting why we are happy? Or why we have to laugh? Do we sit and think back as to why we have a desire to laugh, or where did that giggle come from? Who made us giggle? No, we don’t do that, we just embrace and enjoy the laughter and happy when it comes.
Raising a child with Special Needs has been a gift actually, as my daughter does not have the ability to go through the above noted crazy cycle many of us put ourselves through when it comes to dealing with emotions. They come and they are felt. We have built these walls in our society hiding behind so much clutter of diagnosis and medications, trying to put a lid on that flutter of emotion in our belly's. Why? I see my daughter cry all the time and just love how she releases so freely and always feels better after she does! Our young children do the same! I am so grateful to be able to witness my daughter and so many children just live with such freedom around emotions. I think we should have crying rooms! LOL..Thank-you my special friends! You know who you are...I have learned so much from you. Thank-you for showing your happy when you are happy! Your mad when you are mad and your Sad when you are Sad... So simple..I complicate things so much..today my take away is...JUST CRY DAMN IT! ITS FREE TO FEEL!
If anyone can relate to this, I would love to hear about your ugly cry stories! And how you felt after? Click here to share your journey with us. We can share your story anonymously as well.