By Suzanne Logan
I thought I would share this Journal entry I found while I was packing- it was dated March 1st, 1992. I was just over 2 months sober at the time. I almost could have written this last week in parts..lol..and I am now 28 years sober. Today I am grateful I have God who changes me when I ask, and be does it even when I don’t even realize..I love seeing in this journal blast below how I reluctantly called to God for help not really believing the process and while I was writing I went from insanity to peace of mind! This shit works..it really does!
If you would like to share a journal entry? We are gathering writings to put in a collective sober ‘memoir’ book and would love to see yours!! CONTACT US TODAY💕
March 1, 1992
What is writing going to do? And so what If I don’t want to go to the meeting? Like why the fuck do I need to write this shit on paper? She hangs up and tells me to call her back after I write? Like really? I called her for help and she tells me to write? This is not going to help!!! Write about my thoughts? Like I can’t even slow them fucking down to write? I am so mad and crazy right now!! What good is this going to do? I hate writing! I’m so pissed right now..I want to freakn rage!!!!!!! My brain is just spiraling and can’t even slow down my thinking right now god!! Fuck I hate god too!! Talk to god? Like how stupid is that???One of my biggest problems is thinking! I can’t turn it off.. I think way too much. I am beginning to understand thinking is my real problem. I can’t stop thinking about everything and anything! I can’t shut it off and it drives me fucking nuts!! I need to turn it off- I’m going to make myself feel better, by going to a meeting? Like whatever..those people are fucked they are not like me..their freakn happy and so freakn old! I’m not like them..and I call my sponsor who I don’t even think is an alcoholic she is so pretty and happy- like when I talk to her I just want her to like me. I think all the time what I am going to say before she stops talking and then today she just hangs up and tells me to write about what is really in my head- put it on paper? What the hell!!! How is this working? So stupid! Actually I am such a lier! a fake and she’s going to not like me- gosh how pathetic is that? Now my thoughts are racing ....im so stupid, I’m an idiot, I am such a lier, gosh I am so disgusting! I am not normal..If she really new this is what My thinking is doing she would never call me again! Like what good is writing all this shit out? How is this helping? See this is out of control! I feel insane actually- like why can’t I shut my thinking off? The more I try to control my thoughts the more I feel crazy! Like out of control- I don’t like that feeling... gosh enough!
This is when I feel like drinking, this is when I just want to say fuck it and go get wasted! Like really fucked up! And so pissed my friends don’t even freakn call me anymore? Like gooooddd I am so angry! I want to just go to the bar but I can’t even do that! Okay god..Whatever you are help..help stop my thinking..I cant stop my thinking! I know drinking would be fun- for a moment- but then I would drink more and more and then find some random guy and fuck him and then forget I had a kid and would forget to pick him up from Ruth’s and I would be broke again cause I would spend all my money and I would probably be late for work and yah my freakn mom would be on my case..god that is the worse! Calling her begging for money-lying about why I need it- then the worse of the worse is waking up angry at my kid because he wants my attention and I’ve got like the worse hangover! Gosh I don’t want that- my life right now is actually not that bad, I just paid my rent which is always a freakn stress but this month I got money back from my kids babysitter as I paid her too much? Like that was crazy? That has never ever happened before? I did go see my mom this week and had dinner she made me my favourite pork chops with mushroom soup..yum! Anyway I guess today I did have a really good day walking my kid and saw the most beautiful view of the mountains! It was so crisp and I don’t think I have seen the mountains like that before. Joel was so cute and his giggle! I love his giggles. Gosh I’m actually feeling better just writing this all out. Did I just say that?? Good god..gosh I actually like my sponsor actually sometimes she annoys me, but I guess this crap works? I think I will call her back and go to the meeting with her
If anyone would like to share a journal entry? We are gathering writings to put in a collective sober ‘memoir’ book and would love to see yours!! WE WANT RAW, WE WANT UNEDITED, REAL STORIES AND CREATIVE THOUGHTS! CONTACT US TODAY💕