Trials with and without God
Written by: Suzanne Logan
Trials without God:
I stole from my Mom all the time, I shop lifted as I always had little money to pay for real things like food, household items, diapers. I lied all the time about where I was and who I was with. I drank and drove and wore that like it was a badge of honour, the arrogance in me was stifling. I would poke fun at the responsible ones taking a cab home. Who does that I would tell myself? I would never waste that much money on getting home when I could drink more?
My solution for a hangover was to research everything and anything I could to use, so I would not get one. I was told one time to take 3 Tylenol with a glass of milk before bed and sleep with a newspaper on my pillow. I went into work the next day late only to discover when I went to the bathroom and glanced in the mirror, I saw the newspaper print embedded on the side of my face. I laughed it off and made up another lie about why I was late and had newspaper on my face.
I thought I was my doctors special patient as I never had to make an appt with her as she just said I could come at 11:50am anytime. I was so promiscuous, I would show up on a regular getting the morning after pill, getting checked for STD’s, taking other contraception to appease her but never using it. I was unable to see how my doctor was concerned, and worried about me and why she made her door open. I later discovered when making my amends to her, she would give up her lunch hours for me. She always hoped when I came it would be the day that I would ask for help.
My Disease never allowed me to see how much of a mess I was, how reckless I was. It would not let me see the love and concern others had for me, It just showed me people getting in the way of my ‘fun’ my ‘life’. My disease did not let me think that I should just STOP drinking? Or Just NOT drink to cure a hangover. Or not spend all my money on booze/drugs instead of stealing to survive.
I really thought something was wrong with me- I felt insane at times and that scared me so I continued to drink and drug as it was my ease and comfort. It took all those bad feelings away. I then began to convince myself there was something wrong with everyone else. They didn’t understand me. I became such a disappointment to many so I just blamed them for even caring. My addiction did not want me to think the booze and drugs were the problem, so it continued to fog my ability to think clearly.
My life was consumed with a DIS - EASE, that became my normal. Life evolved around ME but I was not moving. Empathy for others was faint, unless I got something from it. People began to get in the way so I isolated. I lost the beautiful, thoughtful, caring, creative, loving human inside of me, I missed so many important dates, and times with people I once cared for. I was living in a mound of Dis-ease which was covering that beautiful, precious, exuberant human inside of me.
Trials with God:
When I came into recovery I never new that I had this disease. Once I was able to see this new land of promise- this new recovery world, I was overwhelmed! I could not believe how many were living the life of recovery! I was blown away! Seeing them more and more I realized they had something I wanted..they had this peace! They had this sparkle! They walked with confidence and joy! They had beautiful clothes, and gorgeous smiles! They had their family in their lives! They walked through the toughest most heartbreaking things sober?! How? What was I missing out on?
Going to my first support group I felt like I came to a fancy party that I never had an invitation to- but once I got there..I discovered I was the guest of honour. I am so very grateful to all who welcomed me, and loved on me when I was unable to love myself. Thank-you for continuing to keep the party going! You are all and continue to be my personal G-roup O-f D-runks (GOD), Thank-you God for making me whole again! I heard this saying at some point in my recovery and it just stuck with me..
TRIALS WITHOUT GOD WILL BREAK YOU, TRIALS WITH GOD WILL MAKE YOU